Friday, February 02, 2007

Sicko...

Typically, the day I decide to take off to chill out watching old films coincided with complete and utter mental and physical exhaustion. I shoulda seen it coming. Or at least felt it coming. As it was I could barely even watch films, M had to fetch and carry for me and one of the titles - A Matter of Life and Death - appeared to be talking directly to me. Still don't feel too clever although I should get back to the writing. If this is what happens when I finish the first draft of the first act of a play imagine what I'd be like if I still frequented the building sites of the first dozen years of my working life.

Statoholics will be pleased to note that someone arrived at Killing Time towers the other day searching for the solution to this conundrum: "Is a pit bull good to have in the same home with little kids?" Lovely. Made a nice change from all those pervs dropping by hoping they'd find naked pics of darts players' wives. How did this happen? I'm so downmarket. A bit like that ITV sit-com Benidorm, which I swivelled my aching head towards last night, quickly wishing I hadn't, although, under power of Paracetomol, it had me mesmerised for 30 minutes. What unfunny nonsense it all is - do we even need to be reminded how shit package holidays to the Costa Brava are? How British it all is? The unfunniness was even punctuated - so we knew when not to laugh - by stabs of the theme music. I would advise Johnny Vegas and Steve Pemberton to book an early flight home. Before that I'd watched Kelly Osbourne attempting to "learn about their culture" by working in dozens of mundane jobs in Japan on her irritating new show Turning Japanese. Before she stepped on a plane Kelly was telling us how much she loved Japan but it became apparent about five minutes later, when she was dressed as a maid serving coffee, that she hadn't meant a word of it and didn't really have any kind of inkling about the nation and its people. "Eurgh, it's disgusting," she said as the boss of the Maid Bar took her upstairs to his massage parlour and invited Kelly to manipulate his hand. "I wouldn't even do that to my boyfriend," she said (the poor lad, if you won't rub his hand his cock's never going to get a look in, is it?). She apologised for being disrespectful but she wouldn't be massaging anyone's hands, it's not "what we do in our culture". The boss reflected on this turn of events and smiled a cheeky smile. "Will you," he said softly, "massage my shoulders then?" Kelly did a runner. She went on to do a shift in a love hotel "eurgh, it's disgusting", she complained, in between delivering vibrators, bondage kits and Pot Noodles to the hotel's guests. No such qualms about being disrespectful at Samurai school, where Ozzy's largest child caused a diplomatic disaster by leaving the room before the Samurai master, having forgotten to sweep the tatami mats. "I'm so fucking over this. I don't even wanna be a fucking Samurai," she wailed, giving the impression that she would have been much happier if this cultural exchange had merely begun and ended at the love hotel. I never thought I'd hear Kelly Osbourne announcing that she "don't even wanna be a fucking Samurai". Don't worry, lovey, we don't think you'll make it. As my little indispensable Guardian Guide had already pointed out, it's amazing to think that the decision to commission this tosh was made by adults. Couldn't they at least have sent someone who was interested in Japan, a bit more open-minded and not breaking down wishing their mummy was there after four days? As grating as Turning Japanese was, though, I'll be back next week for more. So does that make it good telly? Or am I too ill to have a proper opinion? You can view a promo of Kelly's antics here.

3 comments:

bazza27 said...

Good telly is in the eye of the beholder, I can't get enough of Masterchef goes Large at the moment, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

Dave W said...

Ooh, yes, Masterchef. I saw a bit of the end of this from my sick-sofa and could even be heard to grumble, "No! I should have been watching this from the opening credits. More hot drinks, M!" I don't half watch a lot of telly at the moment. I also saw Waterloo Road last night and marvelled at its realism.

Music Man said...

It is fun when people who don't have websites find out that it is possible to see the search terms used to get to a website. You can see them trying to recall all the unfortunate phrases they may have used to find something in the past. A few months ago someone got to my blog with the phrase 'emmylou harris naked'. Not being too rude about emmylou harris, but she must be getting on a bit now and I think should be allowed to have the dignity of keeping her clothes on. (There are no pictures of her on my site before anyone goes off to look.)
As far as the Osbournes go all of them have lost any ability to appear 'rock and roll' since the 'Osbournes' show. The only one who kept any credibility was the eldest daughter who refused to take part in any of it.
Hope you are feeling a bit better. I always like to think I am 'stoical' during bouts of illness, despite the fact that I am pretty certain I always get the worst strain of germ going.