Wednesday, March 16, 2005

For a business supposedly built around communication, there's a total lack of communication at my place of work. Someone 'forgot' to tell me that my column is being shifted elsewhere and there'll be some kind of hiatus between now and then. If only they'd told me before I'd put in the effort this week... Alas, rather than it be placed on a spike, I shall have to publish it myself. Here. For posterity and all that. The mood I'm in, the thing may never rise again. Maybe Jordan Paramor will get me a job at heat?

HULL is a celebrity!
That's right. Our fair city made an appearance in the pages of gossip-mongering Kerry Katona-fixated Heat magazine's last edition.
We shared our column inches with Jamie Foxx, the star of the Ray Charles biopic Ray.
In a piece laughing at Mr Foxx in his pre-film star teenage days, when he went by the less than starry name of Eric Bishop, freelance scribe Jordan Paramor pointed out how much of a gap-toothed geek Jamie used to be. "He was," wrote Jordan, "more Hull than Hollywood".
More Hull than Hollywood, eh? Hollywood - all style, no substance. Hollywood - where bodies are held in place by the skills of plastic surgeons.
Hollywood - where everyone kids themselves they're having fun by imbibing enormous amounts of cocaine.
If only the Oscar-winning Jamie Foxx had spent his adolescence on, say, Preston Road*. Imagine the look he could be sporting now.
Track suit bottoms tucked into his socks, a Burberry cap, a pregnant girlfriend with roots-showing bleached blonde hair hanging on his arm and driving a Vauxhall Nova with underside neon lighting. And as much heroin as he craved. Now that's more Hull than Hollywood, Heat.
I contacted Ms Paramor - who's notable credits include a biography of my favourite bands Blue and S Club 7 - on the city's behalf to ask her to explain herself.
Very graciously, she took time out from getting the skinny on Darren Day and Suzanne Shaw's relationship to do some frantic back-pedaling.
"I know people from Hull," said the ace entertainment reporter, "and they're very nice."
Sadly, Jordan has never visited this area. "I've always meant to get there.
"I wasn't being derogatory about Hull," the lie continued. "I just basically wanted to use a city that began with the letter H. I know that Hull gets a bad press but I'm sure it's a lovely place."
Jordan remarked that, like many a girl in this city she has neglected, she herself has bleached blonde hair. And, yes, the roots are showing.
I told her she should pay us a visit but, sadly, Jordan laughed at me. I am glad I didn't book the room at the Hotel Campanile in advance.
So, thanks for the mention, Heat. For a brief moment Hull was right up there with Posh 'n' Becks, Britney Spears and Eva Longoria. Just in case anyone has forgotten, and according to their website, "It's [a] sense of humour that makes Heat magazine unique. That and our comprehensive (and cool) package of sneaky photos, cheeky gossip, star style, exclusive interviews and a brilliant TV guide." I hereby claim my free subscription.
*A dirty, stinking council estate

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