What my life didn't particularly require right now was the return of another addictive reality television show but Alan Sugar and The Apprentice is back. What an annoying bunch of tossers (again) demonstrating their unbelievable ineptness - yet magical television, I think, and I shall be watching it all. What Sugar and those clamouring for the six figure salary he offers do during this programme bears little or no relation to "the business" world, of course, but all involved have convinced themselves it has. Especially annoying are the moments when one of the contestants does a little piece to camera that starts "to succeed in business" before uttering some utterly unworkable business-unlike philosophy. I mean, what type of business were these people in before The Apprentice? Last night their 16 combined big heads couldn't even sell cups of coffee.
Naturally, Andy, a car salesman from a small northern town called Stereotype (a place where women are addressed as sweetheart), had to go. He had committed that serious flaw of the naive businessman - he attempted to be nice. Which played right into the hands of the other 15 Machiavellian arseholes, all of whom stitched him up in one way or another. Especially the Quantum Physicist that worked out how much milk was required to make 1,000 cups of coffee - apparently, by her reckoning, 200 litres. Now, call me an impressive visualiser of weights and measures if you like, but even I can quickly draw the conclusion that that's about 190 litres too many. Even Andy realised this but his instruction to just purchase 20 litres was ignored by his staff, who further bumped up the budget by purchasing 600 unwanted chocolate bars from the cash and carry to sell to the customers they wouldn't have. It was no surprise that they lost by such a wide margin, even with the other team struggling to confine their humungous egos to a 16:9 widescreen ratio.
As for Sugar, he seemed to have taken last year's lessons on board, and seems keen to employ someone that might stick around for the full 12 month contract that's on the table, rather than slope off when the cameras aren't rolling for a bit of hanky panky with a fellow contestant in the house that Sugar's paying the rent for, whilst yelping out In business, there is no room for contraception. There's a lack of northerners this year. No surprise there and I shouldn't think it's totally unrelated to last year's shenanigans. Too early to say who might win although not too early to say they're all a bunch of celebrity-seeking c**ts who are already eyeing their lucrative book deals and substandard, faux Apprentice Sky One shows. I do hope that Sugar takes the lot of them to the Canary Wharf helipad one week and blows their brains out.
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