Wednesday, March 21, 2007


Well, last night I learnt that Ulrika Johnson is a sex addict. I've suspected it for years but now, thanks to Channel 4, Ulrika herself and a crack team of cracked American therapists, I've had it confirmed.

SFX: Needle scratching across surface of record and car skidding to a halt.

No, wait, not a sex addict. An attention seeker, that's it. Did you see the show? Ulrika - Am I A Sex Addict? (No, I've just told you, you're an attention seeker! No need to go to the States with a camera crew now). Very funny it was. A counselling session led to what was, for Ulrika, who thought she was just out to find out who and what sex addicts are, a shocking diagnosis.

Long haired therapist to Ulrika You are a sex addict.

Ulrika cries.

It was a diagnosis based on a Swedish upbringing, her father's long string of girlfriends and pornography collection and Ulrika's two failed marriages. Yes, she was always going to be a sex addict with that background.

But fear not. There are cures Ulrika. Such as 12 months of abstinence, or, in your case, more private consultations screened on television and walking into a field full of horses. Yes, horse therapy will do the trick. So sex addict attention seeking Ulrika walked into a field of horses and was told to select one to work with, which she did.

Horse therapist wearing sunglasses Do you always choose a partner so quickly? Do you always let your mates choose you? Do you always choose the first one you see? Are you sure?

Ulrika Well, now you've brought it to my attention, I can see clearly that my failed relationships and my infidelities are all my fault because I picked the first horse I saw. Actually, I'm slightly wary but not enough about the tabloid headlines if I'm spotted in this field with a stallion.

Ulrika cries.

Horse therapist wearing sunglasses How are you feeling, bodily?

Ulrika (miraculously understanding the question) It hurts. And it's a real physical pain...not...not something I'm making up for the cameras.

Ulrika cries some more. The horse moves towards her in a show of affection.

Horse therapist wearing sunglasses Talk to him. Tell him how you are feeling. He may become someone from your past.

Viewers laugh out loud as Ulrika engages the horse in deep, meaningful discussion.

You get the drift, always teasing the viewer, always suggesting that any second we'd be witnessing bestiality on screen, always Ulrika crying, seeking sex attention and always interviewing people with one leg on the chair on which she was seated. After the horses Ulrika went home and the cameras kept rolling for a few minutes more, long enough to plug her new television show and to see her in two different velour track suits. The abstinence thing didn't work out. But sex, apparently, is much nicer now.

Ulrika I'm not always thinking I must have it, I must have it now, like a man.* I'm enjoying it much more. I'm doing it for me. It's a lot better. Do you like my brown velour track suit? This is me relaxing at home, being normal, not having sex.

Ulrika - Am I an Attention Seeker? Yes You Are!

I look forward to seeing Harry Hill's take on all this on TV Burp. Sex addict or attention seeker? There's only one way to find out...

Yes, yes, another blog post about television. Sorry. I'm busy writing right now but I can't share everything with you, can I? And I'm not getting out - full of flu and powered by Beechams Flu Plus. First read through of the Rank play tonight. I already know that there's a myriad of problems so it will be nice to hear a flawed text out loud for the first time. I will be taking my red pen and wearing a big jacket I can crawl inside when it all gets too embarrassing.

*All men are sex addicts. It's the law.


Benjamin said...

TV or not, it pleases me that you've written on this subject. I blogged about it at Myspace but only caught the last twenty minutes of the programme. I agree with your account but I also thought there was intelligence to the debate being shown.

Yeah, the film-makers and the camera people come across as the sex addicts. Indeed they want to see Ulrika playing with horses.

And Ulrika? Twelve months abstinence from celebrity might help. And what the 'four letter word one is not really supposed to say in polite society' are they doing making a programme about something called sex addiction. Whatever this might be the last one hundred thousand years seem like proof that this affliction has been with us a lot longer than Russell Brand has.

You know all this but you're welcome to check out my last Myspace blog which reviews the programme from a different angle. Funny post x

Dave W said...

I read your angle over on Myspace Ben and have left you a comment there and some mysterious something or other called kudos. Good stuff too, that blog. Keep it up - although, like me, do you find it hard to keep the two homes alive? The sooner we all go William Gibson and jack straight into all this so us and our virtual selves can be one and the same the better!

Music Man said...

After her time with a footballer, then her experiences with a football manager, I always thought Ulrika would start on football supporters next. I assume she will start in the premiership and work her way down to the lower leagues, so my team is well down the list. I think it will do little to increase attendances.