Overheard on the bus...

"He's getting me one of those new phones for our anniversary."

"What type of phone?"

"He's borrowed the money. From Credit Union."

"Yeah, Credit Union. You can never get into debt with Credit Union. Even if you borrow, like, 500 quid from them."

"It's one of those just out November phones that were out this month. It does everything. You wanna know how much my bill was last month? F**king hundreds. He said, for your birthday, you can have a new phone or you can have the new PSP3. I'll give you the other one for our anniversary. I'm real excited. Anyway, there's no way that the apple closed her eye."

"What apple?"

"School phoned me. Today. You've got to come pick her up. There's been an accident. She's partially blind. My little lass. I said, there's no way that's a f**king accident. You've blinded her with an apple? The only way you can blind someone with an apple is to throw it at short range with force. That's not an accident. She's partially blind now. Wait 'til I get to the school."

"Did you see Hull City playing Italy on Sky?"

"Yeah. I watched summat on Sky. It was a draw."

"They lost."

"It was a draw. 2-2. They were playing Fulham. Or was it West Ham? It wasn't Italy. I don't know, I don't even like football. Can you phone the school and talk to that teacher now? Tell them it wasn't a f**king accident. How can you blind someone with an apple?"