Que?...

Well, Georgina is holding her head up high and doing the right thing, I see. Did you see the front page of today's The Sun? Brand yelled 'Que' in bed went the headline. Brand was a "disappointment" in bed, apparently. Doing an impersonation of Manuel would, one assumes, somewhat hamper sexual performance. Brand, says the Satanic Slut, "makes you shower five times a day and use mouthwash before you kiss him.” Deary me. Can we get her sacked or suspended or encourage her to resign from public life? Incidentally, today I'm coming in seventh on Google for Voluptua and welcome new readers, even though they're probably bouncing straight out of here!

I do have a solution for the BBC's latest conundrum - Russell Brand for the next Dr Who!

I apologise in advance to Jeremy Hunt and will resist the temptation to make a rhyming slang joke...

In light of WussellWossgate, Conservative shadow culture secretary Jeremy Hunt has said that it is "wrong for broadcasters to produce programmes that legitimise negative social behaviour". Surely sex is the most positive social behaviour that exists? This man, like many a Tory, is a misguided lunatic with an extremely scant grasp of contemporary culture.

As for Mr Brand, I think his apology is superb - a real two fingered but heartfelt salute to those that are up in arms about something that amounts to relatively nothing and those that are more concerned with the public funding of the BBC than they are about which member of the Satanic Sluts Brand has had sex with and the possible offence that the discussion of said sex down Andrew Sachs' telephone line may or may not cause them (and, let's be straight talking about this, none of them are really concerned about Andrew Sachs, nor Georgina Baillie, only about the outrage that they feel about the silly comments Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand made). What have we become? A nation of Mary Whitehouses? A bunch of people with so little going on in our lives that we have to complain about what insignificant, self-important broadcasters say? As Brand points out, "he didn't want to be seen to be apologising for the reaction to the situation, rather than the situation itself". And what a reaction. Note that the BBC-despising Tory press is having a field day, note that the Daily Telegraph is describing Russell Brand's apology as a "bizarre response", note that 4,000 Daily Mail readers have complained, note that the Daily Express (The Greatest Newspaper in the World!) has stated that Brand and Ross "displayed breathtaking arrogance yesterday as they tried to shrug off the furore over their sick phone stunt." Also note that Georgina Baillie's response to being unwillingly thrust into the limelight was to employ the services of opportunist publicist Max Clifford and flog her story of Brand's betrayal of her and "what happened between us" to The Sun. All so very entertaining! Well worth the licence fee!

Voluptua...

An hour with performing arts students down at Hull College, followed by a few short hours trialling my new little netbook on the road (well, in a pub). I wrote a short film, the combination of an 'almost full-size keyboard', decent surroundings and a couple of lagers (optional). I am very enamoured with my netbook - it's the cheapest on the market but, as a portable writing device with wi-fi enabled, it's a damn fine thing.

As for Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand, well, their recent phone calls to Manuel (don't call him that!) are nothing short of what I'd expect of those two. The bulk of the complaints all appear to have followed somewhat after the fact, prompted by the rage from a host of (Tory, BBC-knocking) media outlets who don't usually pay too much service to self censorship and self regulation. I wonder how many people have heard said audio? I have. At the time of writing it's available here. It's not very funny. It's pretty peurile. And they go on far, far too long with a tired and dull idea. But it's not, as the reports suggest, just Brand and Ross repeatedly stating that Brand has f***ed Manuel's (don't call him that!) granddaughter. At one point, Russell sings the news! Extremely upsetting to read on the outraged Daily Mail's website that the woman at the centre of all the fuss - Andrew Sachs' (yes! Call him that!) granddaughter Georgina Baillie - has cut short a European tour because of the public humiliation she has been subjected to. Poor thing. Georgina, who goes by the name Voluptua, was touring with a burlesque dance troupe that goes by the name of the Satanic Sluts performing, according to her myspace today, violent, horrific and sexy shows. Cripes. I might phone Manuel (don't call him that!) about that...