Spunking money...

“We keep testing things in dribs and drabs. The fad for commissioning pilots is a waste of money. I don’t think a pilot will ever demonstrate the power of what a series can be - it’s a bit like spunking money as far as I can tell."

Paul Abbott on the state of television drama. Reported in The Stage.

Crap...

"If I see a drama on at 9 o'clock on ITV, I'd never tune into it because I know it's going to be crap. I've tuned in to so much fucking shite over the years. You could say that about 9 o'clock on BBC1 too."

Jimmy McGovern - Interview with The Guardian (2006)

Come with me...

Something has bugged me about that Sky+HD Supertelly advert since I first saw it. At first I just thought it was because it's had me doing a Gene Wilder impersonation and singing Pure Imagination at the most inappropriate times. It's a sad song, mainly because, in Willy Wonka's colourful, hallucinogenic environment, if you want to view paradise all you have to do is simply look around and view it. "Anything you want to," sings Willy, "do it. Want to change the world? There's nothing to it." If only, eh?

Things came into some kind of focus last night, when I went to see Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland in 3D, and the Sky ad came on while I was trying to concentrate on eating all the food and drinking all the drinks I'd bought before the film started*. I turned to eldest son Scott and suggested to him that there's nothing imaginative about subscribing to a Sky package. Indeed, you don't really need an imagination at all to watch the tellybox, do you, it is a passive medium. And imagination is even less of a requirement in the high definition world, where, as I seem to remember a salesman telling me when I was having a slow day once, every blade of grass can be picked out individually. Why, it's more realistic than life itself (at which point I thought I better shut up, as the "put on your 3D glasses NOW!" notice had appeared on screen).

The advert is set amid a Huxleyan Fordesque assembly line - a factory - which, I imagine, is very much the environment that Murdoch has created within his many Sky-related call centres. As such, the ad itself is a post-modern, unimaginative parody of all of those car adverts featuring robots and also Monsters Inc. The problem being that, for the most part, Sky are at the most unimaginative end of the TV business - they buy their imaginative products and creativity from elsewhere. "Your TV, with a Sky+ box, is Supertelly," we're told. But pure imagination? I don't think. Unless, when you're watching Pineapple Dance Studios or endless repeats of American Gladiators, what is going through your mind is...

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly
Wish to be

I dunno. Maybe listen to the radio once in a while? Read a book? Experience a live event by actually going to it?

If you must, you can view the Sky+HD Supertelly advert on youtube here

*Slightly hampered by two latecomers knocking son Sam's skateboard flying in the air, which propelled a drink into the row in front.

Monkey business...

"We want to create a new model rights creation business developing Noel [Edmonds]'s ideas. That is where the real value is." - Charles Garland, Crystal Entertainment on plans for several new shows that could be hosted by the former House Party whizz. They include Beat the Monkey, a quizshow in which questions are asked but are chosen at random for contestants by a monkey picking up stones. More at the Guardian.

Sopranovision...

Filling in the gaps in my cultural knowledge will also be going beyond reading all the books I've proudly but rather stupidly ignored for years. I'm also on a DVD trip. Filling in the void left by the most excellent (but, I feel, despite its brilliance and stellar cast, still ever-so-slightly over-hyped) The Wire is The Sopranos - which I took a wide swerve around back when everyone told me I should be watching it. I don't like following the hype but, when all the fuss has died down, my inquisitive nature gets the better of me. So here I am. And I have soooo much Sopranos to wallow in - only seen the pilot episode so far. And, look, it's that bloke from In The Loop!

Back on the book front, I made the mistake of dipping into The Right Stuff a couple of days ago and have got caught up in the USA's manned space project to the detriment of the Aldous Huxley at the side of the bed. Poor Aldous. I don't actually like that I like Tom Wolfe - when I look at him and his 'trademark' white suit I don't like what I see and he looks exactly like the kind of fella that would benefit from a punch in the face - but his 'new' journalism always hits the spot. Unlike his novel A Man In Full, which I had to abandon halfway through (although I did gobble up Bonfire of the Vanities a few years previously) and still sits on the shelf, teasing and taunting me.

Glimmear twins...

I was sat watching Merlin tonight - part two of a two-part episode involving a dreadfully smelly troll - when Merlin's ears started to annoy me. I couldn't stop looking at them. Then I realised that I have seen them before - in fact, I once stood within 12ft of the biggest lugs in rock 'n' roll. For Merlin actor Colin Morgan is, without doubt, a young Keith Richards:

Boys, biscuits and blackstuff...

I have just ordered Boys From The Blackstuff. Seen bits of it on youtube but not watched it since it was originally screened. Should be £.6.99 well spent. It is television from the time when television was a succession of major events, although I might be wearing rose-tinted false-memory glasses. Like those that Peter Kay wears when he's talking about dunking biscuits. Do you remember biscuits?

I had a nice cup of coffee in Hull Truck this morning. Still not got round to eating there, although M's had a few bites and spoken highly of the scran on offer. Other people, like Sue here, are also taking full advantage of the theatre's new food offer. I followed the coffee with a walk over to the Fruit Market to take some photographs. It rained. I was already full of cold or some other illness. So I took shelter in the recently reopened Minerva and had a medicinal pint of Carling Cold which, as Peter Kay will remember, used to be called Black Label. Back, that is, when Boys From The Blackstuff was on the box.

Boxed lunch...

I've been watching Design For Life, in which Philippe Starck does for design what Suralansugar does for business (ie, assembles a large group of idiots and whittles his way through them to find the ultimate idiot whilst promoting himself, some of his products and is given the opportunity to espouse his philosophy of life, the universe and everything). In episode 1, Philippe was keen to stress that he was "opening a zip on myself". More alarmingly, he went on to invite people to approach this zip and "take out what you want." The programme joins the canon of nonsense that states the bleedin' obvious. In this case, that everything we see around us is the result of design. No shit, Sherlock. Yet I have been influenced by the show enough to think about the packaging design of the lunch I ate today. A Tiger Tiger Cup Noodle, no less. Rather than one load of packaging, Tiger Tiger presented my noodles in two containers - one, a box, the kind of which noodles could be eaten from. To my surprise, within that box was a more traditional noodle pot. Madness. Environmentally friendly it ain't. Nice noodles, mind.

Pulling off...

My friend Bob is forever harping on about the merits of Channel 4's Peep Show. A show that I don't get. At all. During our little conversations about TV comedy in a public house up the road I've suggested he watch Pulling if he wants to know what good comedy is (it's all subjective, of course, but after a couple of pints these things often seem very, very important and, generally, I am right). Today, Pulling was cancelled by BBC Three. So Bob wins. Well done Bob. There is no justice in the world. Peep Show was almost cancelled in 2006 and Bob, I assume, will have been delighted that C4 did an about turn. It would be nice if something similar could happen for Pulling and its creators Sharon Horgan and Dennis Kelly. Maybe Silver River could take it to another channel. Here's one of many funny bits:

Give us this day...

Best thing on the telly box right now? It has to be this...

External...

On the strength that I am a theatre practitioner of sorts I have been asked to endorse a performing arts degree prior to a learning institution seeking external validation for the course. It's nice to be asked. Although, as I read through several reams of A4, it began to dawn on me that the students will not be studying me. I may have to kick up a fuss about that.

I am going to Wembley on Saturday. I am rather excited. It will be a big day out for the people of Hull, most of whom are exactly like the family recently seen in the television show The Duchess In Hull. So lock up your cheap sausages, we're on the march.

Don't beat yourself up...

So, Ian Wright no longer wants to work as a BBC football pundit because they've turned him into a "a comedy jester". Instead, he's hosting Gladiators. Yes, I can see where you're coming from with that one, Ian. Well done. I'm sure you'll be taken much more seriously hanging out with Oblivion, Destroyer and, ahem, Battleaxe.

Apparently, the run-up to the new Sky One return of Gladiators is not going so well and there's been a lot of injuries - broken toes, neck, shoulder and ankle injuries - (and wet lycra costumes revealing breasts) during rehearsals and the testing period. But fear not, because there's some money to be earned by crocked contestants, say The Guardian's 'sources': contestants will receive about £20,000 if they are permanently disabled and their next of kin receive about £50,000 if they die. Woo hoo, what a pay day! The overall winner of the series will also receive 50k. Which almost suggests that they're going to die in some terrible but very exciting climactic travelator catastrophe.

Old news...

I've been sorting and sifting through boxes of press clippings in an effort to cut down the ridiculous amount of space they take up. Rifling through a copy of The Stage from 2002 to find some words wot I wrote, I came across a retrospectively amusing headline:

Pop Idol can be as big as Blind Date

Which proved to be profound, of course, in terms of ratings, but I find it hard to believe that just a few short years ago the benchmark of televisual success was Blind Date. I look forward to discovering that Noel's House Party can be as big as The Generation Game, Coronation Street can be as big as Zoetrope and 2.4 Children can be as big as Hi-De-Hi as I move through my randomly-ordered back copies.